Mother

I do miss my mom every day. It's hard to escape sometimes. I miss her more sometimes than others... but I never seem to miss her on Mother's day. The first one happened a few weeks after she died, so my missing was mostly the grief and pain of the recent loss. The past two Mother's Days since she's been dead have passed with little emotional upheaval. It's not that I don't miss her or think about her, but rather that I don't have a high associative emotion with her and Mother's Day.

I miss her though. I can feel it especially when I'm going through a "need my mom" moments. Some of those moments in the past few years have been:

• Falling out of love.
• Graduating from WWU.
• Finding a post-graduation job.
• Moving to Bremerton.
• Debating the child issue.
• Deciding to end things
• Getting mad at work.
• Doing well at work.
• Feeling lost and confused.
• Breaking up.
• Falling in love.
• DATING.
• Moving to a new place.
• Dealing with Dad.
• Fighting with the Sibs.
• Going through a creative streak.
• Debating whether I'm in love.
• Deciding to have kids.
• Finding ways to tease my sister.
• Meeting new guys.
• Diving into the Corporate world.
• Getting a promotion.
• Moving to Auburn.
• Getting Divorced.
• Saying goodbye to a chapter in my life.
• Self Doubt.
• Feeling lost.
• Gaining self-confidence.
• Evaluating ze men in my life.
• Shopping.
• Finding someone I want to be with.
• Loosing Faith.
• Bettering myself.
• Writing.
• Seeking out life.
• Adventure.
• Going to the beach.
• Finding someone that loves Elvis.
• Mastering Raspberry Pie.
• Regaining some faith.
• Being balanced.
• Info from the Vag-file
• Cleaning up.
• Decorating.
• Driving Stick Shift.
• Going home...

Those aren't in any particular order... but it definitely makes me pause and think of all she's missed... or that I've missed her. It also makes me think of all the future items and events that I won't have her for. I always imagined her being there when I had kids, walking me through it, comforting me. I wanted her there so desperately when I got divorced and when I started dating. I needed her justification and guidance. I know I'll get remarried sooner or later... I wanted her to help me decide.

*sigh*