Entrevista!

I was called and asked to schedule an interview for the Administrative Specialist job today!! I was the first one they called. I'll be interviewing with my immediate supervisor, and I think two others from my department. This wasn't my first choice for a job to move to, but it was my second. If I get it, I'll get a substantial pay raise and I'll be with the same group of people (more or less). I'm so excited!! My interview is March 3rd. It's so long to wait! I'll have time to put together a portfolio of my work and whatnot.

Arguing for Dummies

Most people know how to really hurt the ones they're close to. Generally, people will steer clear of using their most hurtful tools in the arsenal of arguing unless the situation is dire. My ex and I had loads of insults and bashes that were never used because they would cross a line. I never ridiculed him for being less intelligent or not the most socially gifted person. He never called me fat (at least not out right) nor did he pick at my most tender wounds. We had an unspoken rule about resorting to that level of hurt.

Apparently, not everyone has taken the "Arguing for Dummies" class they teach in "Relationships for I-dots." What am I on about? I learned tonight that my younger brother's step mom has a habit of telling him "Your Mom would agree with me" when they're arguing about stuff. From the sound of things, she's right. Our mom might have agreed with her on some of their arguments. But, that's not the point. The point is you don't use someone's dead mother as a tool in an argument. Especially not in a frivolous, weekly, teenage squabble. I almost don't have the words to describe how inhumane that is to say to a teenage boy. I can't imagine the emotional abuse that's going on in that household.

I guess I shouldn't think that everyone conducts themselves at a base level of decency... It's just that there are lines people shouldn't cross. Going over that line in such a careless manner is cruel and abusive on so many levels. I feel I should intervene.

In Other News...

I can officially say that I hope to never get a divorce again. The whole process is convoluted. It doesn't help that I'm horrible at just reading directions and getting how to do something. I need to be shown, at least a few times… and in legal proceedings you don't really get that option. I've been muddling my way through tediously long 'how-to' documents all morning and I'm starting to get the idea… I have about a month to get all the final paper work in order. I'm just hella frustrated. I'm sort of pissed that I have to do this alone. I know the whole thing was my idea, but it fits the pattern for Matt and me trying to do something. He just kind of floats along and I'm left to worry about all of the details and actually getting stuff put together. Sure, he's upset and sad we're getting divorced, but he hasn't had to go to court, figure out the procedures or the paperwork. He hasn't been stressed out trying to do this right. I haven't asked him to look into that mainly because I didn't think he could handle it. I just want this to be finished up with. I hate feeling so ignorant when I'm trying to get something done. The people at the court house are often short with me on the phone and aren't extremely helpful when it comes to asking procedural questions. I just feel so over-burdened it's starting to wear me down.

I'm really grateful that I have people to lean on and everything. My friends and family have given support where they can and Brian has been an awesome cheerleader the past few weeks. Even with all of the people saying they're here for me, I feel totally alone in this endeavor. It might be part guilt at not being able to make a marriage work. It might the part of me that misses having someone with me all the time, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with. It's kind of funny that I miss that. Matt and I rarely went to bed at the same time, much less in one another's arms. I was usually up at different times than him. I rarely sought out time with Matt unless it was in short spurts. I keep thinking that I'm missing a constant companion, but I never really had one. He and I were usually too pissy with one another to hang out for too long. It's kind of weird to miss something that was absent for most of a marriage.

I'm feeling a bit stressed out at work too. I think it's because I have my mind set on moving to a better job. I've put in for a few of them, two of which I really want. I've more or less written off the Training job… it hasn't been filled, but they haven't gotten back to me either. There's an Administrative Specialist job in my department that I put in for. The hiring manager is the manager that my supervisor reports to and my supervisor is looking through the resumes with another supervisor. He knows that I've put in my application for the job and he's all for giving me a chance to advance. I hope I get to interview for it. My supervisor said that they're a bit behind in looking for those things… he hinted that they might steal me away up there. I'm hesitantly optimistic. I'd still really like to hear something about either job.

In other news… I went to Manchester Park with Brian this weekend. I had a super good time. We wandered around, saw the old buildings. Brian really liked them. I'll have to take him to Fort Warden and show him what real bunkers look like. We also saw some sea lions. They were a ways away so we tried to hike to them. Unfortunately we were impeded by a barbed-wire fence. It was a lot of fun to hike around. It's really nice to have someone to go out and do these type of things with. We both like random outings and are inquisitive enough to just have fun and not worry about keeping a set schedule or how long we're out messing around. Next time we go out, we'll have to bring a camera and have neat pictures to show everyone.

That's all I feel like writing for now. For more information, please contact my public relations secretary.

Really Quite Spectacular

I spent Saturday and Sunday with Brian (the previously mentioned boyfriend). It was quite wonderful. He came over on Saturday (mid-afternoon) and was here until late on Sunday night. We hung out together (obviously), watched movies, had some good food (that I cooked), ended up going to a park I like (and he liked it too) and had a blast. Brian liked the food I made him (which is a plus as I feel a bit self conscious about my cooking). He cuddled with me while we were watching movies. He and I were able to joke around and talk about a lot of stuff. We had an especially good time at Manchester State Park. I highly recommend it to anyone that likes parks/bunkers/neat trails. Neither of us are in the best of shape, but it was nice to tramp around and see the beautiful scenery. We saw Sea Lions. It was kind of funny. We both wanted a better view and ended up hiking quite a bit further than we otherwise would have just to get a better view of them. I liked learning new tidbits of information about Brian. He's a music snob, which I tease him about as he likes Weird Al. He's really into history and historical places. He was very excited by the old bunkers at Manchester. We made plans to go to Fort Warden sometime in the next few months. If he liked the buildings we saw on Sunday, he'll die for the ones up at Fort Warden. I was bummed out when he had to go home. I could see myself happy being around him all the time.

In other news... I'm impatiently awaiting word from some jobs I applied for at PSE. I heard this week that my position will get a pay raise so it will be about the same as the other job I think I'll get... but I like the sound of the increased responsibility, the day to day change, being around other people. I'd also move closer to Brian if I get a job in Bellevue. I've been looking at jobs over there since before I was going out with him... so being close to him is a fringe benefit, not the sole purpose of looking. I've decided that I want a leadership type position and I want to earn my way there. That seems to be out of the question at the office I work in now... so I'll be glad to move near where those jobs are.

I'm also planning a trip to California to see my sister. I haven't been out to California in almost two years. I-dot and I went there to see his family in July 2006. I told him I was headed out there... I'm not sure why. I don't want to see him, not really. Part of me wants to, I don't know, feel some sort of closure. I'm afraid that seeing him will make me feel somewhat horrible and probably do the same to him. I don't want to be with him and I don't want to rekindle our relationship, but *sigh* there's part of me that actually misses him. I know! It's stupid! I have this wonderful guy who I adore and adores me. I am completely content and glad that I chose to break up with him. I can't explain it other than, well, I spent three years with him. I know its' not a very long time, and in 10 or so years that'll seem like a mere summer fling... but he was with me for a lot of my change and growth as a person. Gah. I don't need him though. He makes me feel horrible for being happy.


It's probably best if I just focus on my career growth and my relationship with Brian. I'm excited to see where it goes. I have a feeling that we'll be able to take it far. I think that our only real hindrance is money. Neither of us have enough to do what we'd like to do. I have a feeling that we'll work around that particular road block. If we lived closer together we wouldn't spend as much on gas. Not to mention I'd have a better paying job. I'm really hoping he lands a good part time job he can do while going to school.

*sigh* I'm falling for him and it's really quite spectacular and yet terrifying.

Excess of Mental Masturbation

I do worry that I think too much. I talked to my significant other about the whole emotional openness he has. Then I realized that it doesn't really matter if he tells women he's with that he sees a future with him. I don't need that to be unique to our relationship. Making it work is the element I would like to see as being unique in our relational histories. There's so much about him that I find completely wonderful that him being (what I would call) slightly careless with his emotions in the past isn't really an issue. He doesn't have to be as guarded as I am. It's probably healthier for him to be open with people. I actually admire that he's able to put him self out on the chopping block in such an honest and vulnerable way. I don't like to make myself vulnerable and avoid doing so at all costs.

Anyways, I think I've reached a comfortable spot in terms of that issue. I'll probably revisit it at some point in the future.

I tend to do that a lot. I'll obsess over an idea or issue and reach some sort of calm about it. Then I kick up dust in a few days/weeks/months/years and rehash the issue. I can't seem to leave things alone. I mean, if it were a pile of dirty laundry, it'd stay around for eons. I do it about everything. My mind just doesn't like to be idle. Drives me nuts sometimes. I work the best and am the sharpest at work when I'm overloaded. I work well under the gun and think well under pressure. When that intensity isn't created through my environment, I create it! Gah, I wish I could put my brain on pause once and a while...

Wow, it's been a while.

Well, anyone (which seems to be no one) that read this back in May might have gathered that the whole marital thing wasn't going in a positive direction. I'm almost divorced now (it'll be final in March). I graduated from school (that was quite exciting). I'm still working at the same job and I'm quite happy with my life as a whole. I can't really say that getting a divorce has upset my life terribly. I had to move into a smaller/cheaper/seedier place and I'm a bit poorer. I had to explain to the world (most of which was unaware of any marital problems) what exactly went wrong in my relationship. That was a bit uncomfortable as most of my friend base is rather religious. I feel bad for my ex. He was very much in love with me (and it seems he still is). It's not my responsibility to make sure he's ok and whatnot, but I wish he and were on the same page... that might be stretch considering that he and I were rarely on the same page when we were married.

I started dating almost right after my ex left. Well, I started relations with other people. I dated one guy for a few months, but I broke up with him after I realized that I liked him more than he wanted... He wasn't looking for anything serious. I hadn't been either when I started seeing him. I don't think he'll be one to settle into a relationship for a few years. Hence the break up. It's kind of cool though, he and I still talk and text. I think he'll keep being a friend at least. I've had quite a few 'friends with benefits' along the way. Well, ok, one night stands or serial one night stands. I can't say I'm terribly proud of it. But I'm a believer in safe sex and think that two people that have a need for sex should be able to fulfill that without any sort of emotional connection.

The whole promiscuity thing has spurred a new line of thought... I think some people are emotionally promiscuous. They fall hard and fall often... That seems like such a dangerous proposition to me. I mean, you can have sex with someone, walk away and not have any lasting repercussions. The idea of falling for several people a year (and doing so intensely) startles me. I'm always so scared of being hurt that I prefer to shield my emotions with relationships that have a physical base that are easy enough to end if things don't pan out.

That brings me to the guy I'm seeing now. My relationship with him has been different than any other relationship I've had in my post-marital bliss. He and I hit it off really well, he gives me butterflies in my stomach when he says sweet things... but we haven't jumped into a physical relationship. We've kissed and done some high school-esque fooling around, but not much else. But I feel like I'm falling for him and that's terrifying. What's even more terrifying is seeing (mainly from stalking him on myspace) that the emotions he's been projecting on me aren't quite unique. I didn't go out and look for exes of his on there, but I noticed some of his pictures had comments that were relationy looking. So I looked at the profiles of these people and at their comments and saw some relationy looking comments there too. A lot of them using similar verbiage and sentiment used for comments I was left by him. It makes me wonder if he's that emotionally forward with everyone... maybe his feelings for me aren't as unique as I thought they were. I have to admit, hearing sweet and endearing things from him are part of what's caused me to like him so much and knowing that he's said close to the same things to quite a few other people makes me a bit uneasy.

I'm not sure if it's unease due to the commonplaceness of the words (similar to people that murder words by using them too often and in too many contexts). It could just be that I'm re-examining my feelings. I think there's more there than "oh he says such nice things about me." He's also super sweet, hilarious, quite smart, good looking, a hoot to hang out with, etc. But my feelings for him were brought along by those sweet nothings he's said to me. I need to just ask him about it, which I'll probably do tonight. I hate to bastardize my feelings for him (or his for me), but I think this will eat at me until I figure it out.

If he does feel *that way* about all the girls he's seen in the past few years... I don't think that'll change how I feel about him. It might just shift my perspective a bit.