Well, anyone (which seems to be no one) that read this back in May might have gathered that the whole marital thing wasn't going in a positive direction. I'm almost divorced now (it'll be final in March). I graduated from school (that was quite exciting). I'm still working at the same job and I'm quite happy with my life as a whole. I can't really say that getting a divorce has upset my life terribly. I had to move into a smaller/cheaper/seedier place and I'm a bit poorer. I had to explain to the world (most of which was unaware of any marital problems) what exactly went wrong in my relationship. That was a bit uncomfortable as most of my friend base is rather religious. I feel bad for my ex. He was very much in love with me (and it seems he still is). It's not my responsibility to make sure he's ok and whatnot, but I wish he and were on the same page... that might be stretch considering that he and I were rarely on the same page when we were married.
I started dating almost right after my ex left. Well, I started relations with other people. I dated one guy for a few months, but I broke up with him after I realized that I liked him more than he wanted... He wasn't looking for anything serious. I hadn't been either when I started seeing him. I don't think he'll be one to settle into a relationship for a few years. Hence the break up. It's kind of cool though, he and I still talk and text. I think he'll keep being a friend at least. I've had quite a few 'friends with benefits' along the way. Well, ok, one night stands or serial one night stands. I can't say I'm terribly proud of it. But I'm a believer in safe sex and think that two people that have a need for sex should be able to fulfill that without any sort of emotional connection.
The whole promiscuity thing has spurred a new line of thought... I think some people are emotionally promiscuous. They fall hard and fall often... That seems like such a dangerous proposition to me. I mean, you can have sex with someone, walk away and not have any lasting repercussions. The idea of falling for several people a year (and doing so intensely) startles me. I'm always so scared of being hurt that I prefer to shield my emotions with relationships that have a physical base that are easy enough to end if things don't pan out.
That brings me to the guy I'm seeing now. My relationship with him has been different than any other relationship I've had in my post-marital bliss. He and I hit it off really well, he gives me butterflies in my stomach when he says sweet things... but we haven't jumped into a physical relationship. We've kissed and done some high school-esque fooling around, but not much else. But I feel like I'm falling for him and that's terrifying. What's even more terrifying is seeing (mainly from stalking him on myspace) that the emotions he's been projecting on me aren't quite unique. I didn't go out and look for exes of his on there, but I noticed some of his pictures had comments that were relationy looking. So I looked at the profiles of these people and at their comments and saw some relationy looking comments there too. A lot of them using similar verbiage and sentiment used for comments I was left by him. It makes me wonder if he's that emotionally forward with everyone... maybe his feelings for me aren't as unique as I thought they were. I have to admit, hearing sweet and endearing things from him are part of what's caused me to like him so much and knowing that he's said close to the same things to quite a few other people makes me a bit uneasy.
I'm not sure if it's unease due to the commonplaceness of the words (similar to people that murder words by using them too often and in too many contexts). It could just be that I'm re-examining my feelings. I think there's more there than "oh he says such nice things about me." He's also super sweet, hilarious, quite smart, good looking, a hoot to hang out with, etc. But my feelings for him were brought along by those sweet nothings he's said to me. I need to just ask him about it, which I'll probably do tonight. I hate to bastardize my feelings for him (or his for me), but I think this will eat at me until I figure it out.
If he does feel *that way* about all the girls he's seen in the past few years... I don't think that'll change how I feel about him. It might just shift my perspective a bit.
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