Cats out of the Bag...

I've been hinting about a trip brewing for Brian and I. Well, on Christmas, Brian finally figured out where we're going in February.

DISNEYLAND!

I know I'm bragging and whatnot, but I made a really cool, really neato hint for Brian to figure out his surprise.

I made a puzzle out of a picture I did in Photoshop.

I used glow in the dark paint to write "we're going to Disneyland" on the pieces and I wrapped up the pieces in Brian's presents.

The first piece he unwrapped was in his stocking in a card I got him. I wrote a riddle that cryptically explained the game. The final part said he had to view his clue in the dark to make sense of it.

So, after he unwrapped his presents, he started to put the puzzle together. It didn't take long... I bought a 15 piece one. Then Brian forgot the last part of his clue, so I told him to reread his card. After doing that he went into the bathroom. The next thing I heard was "Disneylaaaaaaaaaaaaand!" and Brian came out and smooched me.

I'm quite pleased with how that turned out. I've been planning and scheming for a few months and it all paid off... now in a few months time I'll be enjoying California and all of its fun.

In related news: the rest of Christmas was awesome. Corey was staying with us so it was a lot of fun to have him there. We got him some movies that his dad wouldn't approve of and loaded him up with candy. He got me a box of chocolate and he got Brian an Elvis record. We went to my dad's then to Grandma and Grandpa's house. I think we all had a great day... Brian got me some really nice and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. he did a great job picking out stuff I like, which is a first for me (in terms of a significant other that is). He got me The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a really pretty locket, Castle Crashers, an awesome stuft animal, really comfy striped red/white fingerless gloves and a great stocking. ^_^

Anywho, I'm off to bed... or for 15 more minutes of Castle Crashers.

Princess Bride - Rambo - Real Women Have Curves

Brian's putting our movies away... it's kind of funny to see some of the movies that get to sit together. We're both at home today. I couldn't get out of the drive way and he didn't want to try. Right now we're watching Braveheart. I haven't seen it in a long time.

Not too much to report on other than the storm. We have a butt ton of snow. I can't remember the last time we had this much. Brian and I might have a snowball fight later.

I'm kind of excited for Christmas. Well, more than kind of. Corey is spending Christmas Eve with Brian and I. We were going to go to Brian's mom's house and stay there, but she and her husband didn't like the idea of a stranger there. I was (well, am) kind of pissed about that, but I'm more than happy to stay here with Brian and have Corey here.

I'm really excited for Brian to open his presents I want to see if he likes them and if he likes where we're going in February.

Anywho, I gotz to work today.

Career Blues

I've been working on a document since Friday afternoon. It's a very important bit of information for my department - our goals. I was given our 2008 and 2009 goal document to fix. The person who had been updating this has been gone for several months. It hasn't been updated since March. After looking at it, I don't think it's been properly updated since 2006 or 07. Probably 2007. I had to do a lot of reverse engineering. This isn't my document and I wasn't given the liberty to create a new one. First I had to figure out where the formulas came from and how they were being measured. Then I had to go line by line and see where the data was kept for each piece of info. Then I had to make sure it was being look at in a logical/consistent way. I wanted our measures to be meaningful. Some of the lines didn't go anywhere, they were manually put it, which defeats the purpose of having formulas and all that stuff. I had the document up most of the day yesterday. I probably spent a solid 6 or 7 hours on it. I was watching the X-Files at the same time, so what was 10 hours of time on the couch wasn't 10 hours of working. I had some left over to do today, so I've been working on it for the past hour and a half.

I kind of like huge projects like this, I really do. It's neat to have a hand in big things going on. I am a bit down about not getting the bennies for doing all this work. I mean, I get paid over time and everything, but I'm working well out of my job classification. In March they hired me as an Administrative Specialist and since July I've been filling in for a Business Analyst and then for another Business Analyst since August. I was told that I would be made an Analyst, but a month ago I was told that I could only get the gig if the person I'm filling in for gets a job in the department she's working in. That's different than what I was initially told. Meanwhile other people in my group have been promoted to a higher pay grade.

I'm sure it sounds immature or selfish of me, perhaps even egotistic, but I feel like I was left behind. I'm doing a lot of work for the department and going beyond my duties, heck, my boss sends me to meetings in her stead once and a while, but I'm still making Admin pay. Other people (well, one specific person) are getting moved ahead while not working as hard or really working at all.

Part of me tries to remember that it'll all pan out in the end and that at least I'm earning more than a clerk. But it's hard to keep that in mind all the time, especially when it's almost 10 on Sunday night and I'm still working...

So much to tell...

I last posted about my birthday and there's much to tell about the few weeks since then.

Brian and I spent Thanksgiving together. He's been living here since that week. It's been really, really nice with him here. I like spending my free time with him and having someone home waiting for me. I find myself making him lunch a few times a week and leaving him cutesy love notes from time to time.

Thanksgiving was fun. We went to Uncle Tracy's house and the house was packed. Most Thanksgivings with my family are. I felt a bit bad that Brian's mom didn't get to see him, but she's had him for a lot of Thanksgivings. He and I got two gift cards. One to Olive Garden and one that's a general type gift card. Food was excellent as it always is. We had to head out a bit earlier than I wanted because Brian had to work at the crack of dawn the next morning.

I was able to sleep in on Black Friday and really enjoyed the lazy time. I had arranged to go shopping with Brian's mom. She came by around 10 and we set out to Target. I wanted to look at Xbox 360's. Brian and I wanted to go half in on one. I made a B-line to the video game section and picked on out. They were the same price, but it came with a $60 gift card. I also picked up a few other odds and ends, nothing too noteworthy at that store.

We waited for Brian to get off and then headed to the Wild Side. It's a really cool pet store in Puyallup. I've had Frances since July and thought she could do with a little sister. There are a few reasons I like going to the Wild Side and not to the pound. Well, the Wild Side takes kittens from people, once they're sure they're healthy and sells them. They include a vet visit with the purchase of a new pet and give the parent free cat food. They take good care of the little ones in their care. I had a hunch that they'd have sales that day and I wasn't dissapointed. They had tons of kittens and they were $30.00 off. Brian and I picked out a little black and white kitten. We decided to get another girl so we wouldn't have any awkward humping situations.

I named our new kitten Samantha. Brian usually calls her Sammy. She's a sweetheart. She and Frances were at odds for all of a day and a half but they soon started being really good friends. Frances has been in heat for about 4 days so she's a bit more docile than usual (yes, we're getting her spayed next week). She's been playing with Sammy quite a bit when she's not humping walls and everything.

Things are really coming together in the Becerra-Smith household. We're doing our best to get settled in. Brian's mom has been a huge help. She's really good at getting things put away. I was a bit surprised that I was ok with that. I've always been a bit weird about people coming and cleaning my shit. She's been a lifesaver though.

Anywho, here are some pictures of the two cutest kitties in the world:

The Man with the Golden Gun

I had my 23rd birthday last Thursday... it was fantabular! I spent most of the morning with my dad who snuck off work to come see me. We had a pretty good time. Then Brian came over and we spent the evening together. Luckily, Brian was going to give me my birthday present and take me out Friday... so I was spoiled for two days.

I took Thursday and Friday off work, so I had ample time to not do anything. It felt great.

Brian told me that we were going out to Ipanema Grill (this really nice and expensive Brazilian restaurant). I took time and got all prettied up for him. Brian came over after work and gave me my birthday present. He gave me this really cute earing and necklace set (the earings don't irritate my earlobes, which is rare!) and he gave me Brain Age 2 for my DS. It's a really, really fun game. I'm trying to get my brain age lower... I initially got a 60. I think part of it was being unfamiliar with the software and the game.

So, back to Ipanema. We drove to Seattle and Brian got us parking in a garage. We ended up not being stuck in traffic for as long as we had anticipated, so we walked down Pike's Street and I got a latte at Tully's. Then we headed back to the restaurant. Brian made reservations (which is a very sexy thing to do) and we got to sit down right away. I had a Strawberry Lemonade and Brian had passion fruit juice (or something exotic). The way the restaurant works is you get to get your salad and everything buffett style. You can go and get as much as you want, but as soon as you're ready, you flip over a card on your table and they bring meat by on a skewer and you can say if you want it or not. They have all sorts of meats there. They had turkey wrapped in bacon, chicken, tons of different steak cuts, cheese steak, grilled pineapple, oooh, and they had shrimp and bison. We ate till we were stuffed. Then we had some more... We finished up the night with dessert. They had really good and rich tasty dessert balls.

It was a really wonderful night and I feel really lucky to have a great boyfriend.

Oh, and Brian finally moved in! Yay!

plotting.... always plotting

I'm planning a trip to California with Brian. He and I are going to do something fun there. I won't say what because it's a surprise. He'll find out on Christmas... For his birthday he found out what state we're visiting. I'm super excited for this and hope it goes well.

the space between

I decided a while back that it was a good idea to keep my car key off my large mess of keys. In the back of my mind I thought that I could eventually be somewhere without the keys I need. Today was that a day.

I had my keys out at work and add some keys to a few company vehicles. Then I left my keys at work.

Wouldn't have been that bad if I lived close to work, but I live 25+ miles from work!!!

Thankfully Brian has a spare and is bringing me a key.

Gah, I'm dying

I've had this soar throat thing since Thursday. Now it's mixed with phlegm and other niceties. I guess that wouldn't be so bad if I could just have the weekend to myself and not do any work or count on a nice easy week at work... but I have one of the busiest weeks I've had for sometime.

Monday I'll be in Bellevue at 7:00 a.m. to work on a presetion for my boss then I have to make it to Kent bt 10:15 to give a talk on timecards and other fun bits of information.
Tuesday I have to work in Kent. I'm going out in the field for four or so hours.
Wednesday I'm giving the same talk as Monday but to another group.
Same Thursday and Friday.

Usually this would be a welcome break from the usual, but I feel like crap and just want to float by.

All in All, it was't as bad as it could have been...

My dad visited me this weekend. He was supposed to see me last weekend, but he totally flaked out last minute. I was pretty devastated but got over it.

This week he said he was coming over. I took his word with a grain of salt. Sunday came and he said he was on his way. - with Gwen.

Gwen is my stepmother and the reason my dad has been rather absent from my life for over three years. She doesn't like it if he calls/sees/spends money on/does anything with me. I am the problem in their marriage, and if I magically disappeared their marriage would be fine and dandy.

So, we went as planned and headed to Longhorn Restaurant. On the way in Gwen turned to me and asked if I was planning on paying for my dad's meal. I was all "..." About it. I hadn't thought about it so that's what I told her. Her response was "well you should buy your dad lunch once and a while."

I was pissed. I haven't seen my dad since June. You can't pay for something on a "once and a while" basis if you don't see them more than once in a blue moon! I didn't say anything. I didn't want to piss anyone off.

And that was the high point. Dad and Gwen talked more to Brian than they did to me. Between the icy silence (in which Dad and Gwen picked at their shared sandwich while Brian and I had a buffet) dad mentioned that I don't go to Bremerton that often.

I felt a bit upset at that and perhaps my answer reflected my feelings. I told them that I don't go to Bremerton that often because I don't have anywhere to stay. I said it seemed ridiculous to drive that far try and fit everyone in then head home. If I had to choose a low point of the visit, that was it. Gwen does not allow me to stay at her house (it's only their house on paper). It's been a sore spot in this whole relationship thing.

The whole thing has me a bit down. I really wanted to see my dad, but now that I did I feel disappointed. :-(

To Everyone But Heather (because she already knows)

After much debate and heated discussions between the sheets, Brian and I decided to move in together. We're shooting for a November-ish move in date.

It'll be really nice to share a home with a man that I love so much ^_^.

Best Vids this side of the Galaxy...

Ok, they're totally off with the time lines and character placements, but they are hilarious.

More than words...

I bought a new car this weekend. I should get it today. I'm super excited...


That's not the point of this blog.

I had to have my ex-husband sign some papers so they'd release my car. We were both on the title. So, they sent him a form to sign and gave him a return envelope. I gave him a call on Sunday to tell him to expect it. I said that it'd come in his legal name and he'd need to sign it and return it using the return envelope they'd send. I also told him that he could probably drop it off at a Fedex or somewhere like that.

So, today I get a text message. "They wouldn't take the envelope at Fedex."

I was a bit nonplussed, until I had the idea to ask "was it a fedex envelope?"

To which I received a reply: "No, DHL"


I promptly did a *facedesk* and had to compose myself before saying: "then take it to a DHL place."

I mean, really? that was confusing? If I gave you a coupon to Disneyland but then said "have fun at Seaworld" would you call me from Seaworld upset they didn't take your Disneyland coupon?

The thing that really gets me is that he is single-handedly disproving Darwin...

Lost Meters and Suspicious People...

I've been working with a team at work to find lost meters. These are meters that have been put somewhere and are transmitting a read, but we don't know where it is or who to bill for the usage.

We have this black box that 1. picks up the meter's signal and 2. looks like a bomb. The black box will send the signal to our laptops. The laptops have to run on batteries... So they usually die midday. Even better, we have three PSE cars in one area doing this.

We've been out twice and haven't found shit. We went out today and weren't having any luck. Part of our group went to one of our service centers to use the bathroom and wash up. My group went to buy lunch. When we got back they said they had picked up a really good read on two meters we were looking for.

So, after lunch we went and combed the lot. We found one meter hooked up and in service on our property... We found the other with a pile of other meters that were in a bin. We went through the pile and made it so the meters wouldn't transmit.

Later in the day, after finding another lost meter, we were going to return to the office. That is, until we got a call saying the building was on lock down because of a suspicious person there. There was a dude who was dressed all in black with a trench coat, hoodie and a ski mask on. After the police were called and the building people were summoned, we found out the dude had a skin condition which made him need to wear that kind of clothing.

Awesome Freakin' Weekend!

So, I had a really excellent weekend. It helps that my week was pretty good... Got a huge department-wide event at Lake Tapps out of the way. I was wiped out after a long week and was really looking forward to having some quality time with mah man.

I stopped by 7-11 to pick up some Slurpees on my way home. I walked in and they had a stand of HUMUNGO cards. I *had* to buy one for Brian. Thankfully, they had lovey-dovey cards. I put the card in my trunk.

I had a really nice (although short) evening with Brian. He had to get up at a god-awful time; so, I entertained myself with tv. I watched an episode of Most Haunted that really creeped me out. I climbed into bed (really grateful that Brian was there after Most Haunted).

I spent the morning by myself; Brian was working. I got a lot of work done. I also filled out the card for Brian with a little love note and put it in his bedroom. Decided to watch Indiana Jones. That was on when my lover got home. I asked him to get me a pair of socks. It took him a bit more than five minutes and planted a big kiss on me ^_^.
We were supposed to go Karaoke with two of Brian's friends, but they couldn't make it. I was a bit bummed out, but I called Bri to see what she and Stephen were up to. The first words out of Bri's mouth were "want to hang out tonight". So, Brian and I went to Fife.

We played Castle Crashers (best game, evar!), went to a Mongolian place (excellent food!!), and played more Castle Crashers. Brian was pretty tired when we left there (he had been up since 2-ish). we called it a night after getting home.

Sunday was Brian's day off. We made breakfast together and watched movies. I saw Kill Bill vol. 1 and 2. I really liked them.

I couldn't stay too late; Brian had to get up at Stupid o'clock (thanks to Stephanie Miller for the term).

I'm sure you're wondering "...what the heck was awesome about that?" Let me tell you. I spent a happy, relaxed, enjoyable weekend with a man I love. Sure, the incredible sex helped, as did the romantic/cuddly moments. I'm really happy though and that makes all the difference.

Because I can't think of a good title

The Puyallup Fair was spectacular! Sunday was my first time ever going. Brian took me there on a date there.

We bussed in from Bonney Lake. It was a really good move. Parking was horrible!We got there just opened up so it wasn't that crowded.

We went to the Jack FM booth and Brian bought himself and me one of those goody backpacks. It came with some energy drinks, water, chips and a few coupons.

Afterwards, Brian and I headed to the rides. We walked around to get an idea about how many tickets to get. I quickly realized that I needed one of those Dizzy Passes, but they're not available weekends. We decided to get 20 tickets each. We went one this wooden roller coaster; it was fun, but we were in the middle and missed out on the uber thrilling rush of being in the front. We walked around the rides some more; I was being a tad indecisive. We ended up going on a ride that makes people go upside down. Then we had four tickets left (I think we had 8 and I'm willing to bet the other four are in Brian's pocket). We went through a "fun house" which I will forever refer to as "the house of filth and disease."

After the rides, we meandered around for a bit. We went through this one vendor hall with a ton of stuff to buy. It seemed they had a demonstration every 20 feet. I stopped at a booth where you could look up ancestry of your last name. I bought a copy of the Becerra coat of arms and a history of the name. I'm giving it my dad for Christmas. Brian found some really cool metal aged looking posters. He bought an Elvis one and Silver Surfer. After a few halls, we were hungry so we went to Earthquake Burger.

Brian went to buy the food and I went to find seats. I had to linger until a family got up. These two dudes were trying to steal my table, but I told them I had it and they went elsewhere. We split an Earthquake Burger and Fries. I thought it was tasty. Perhaps not worth all the hype. We ended up sharing our table with a really sweet gal who was working the fair. She was trying to hold her own after the husband of a friend of hers had died the night before. I'm really glad we sat with her.

It was getting really warm at that time so we continued through the vendor halls. The Hobby Hall was interesting. Brian said he would enter his Star Wars figures next year.

Brian and I made it through almost all the fair. We were near the Blue Gate when they did the Human Cannon Ball show. I was picking out some Henna to get done on my hand when he shot off. I did see him fly through the air though. It was cool. I ended up getting a really neat design on my hand. I wouldn't mind getting a tattoo, but I don't think work would approve.

We headed towards the gate after that. Brian bought me a dozen wooden roses. They're scented and everything. I put them in my office. They've gotten some compliments.

We just missed a bus back to Bonney Lake so we did some more shopping. We had some food (Brian had a turkey leg and I had a kielbasa). Then we went through this really cool booth with drawings of famous characters and other such thing. I bought some for Brian for his birthday and gave him some on the spot. He'll be super surprised by one of them.

We were really tired after that long day. It was well worth fighting the crowds and heat. I can't wait to go next year!

Impressionism and the Pink Door

I went out with my coworker (and friend) Jamie the other night. She and I left work together to go to the Seattle Art Museum. There was an exhibit called "Impressionist and Art of the Past". I really enjoyed the different paintings they had on display. I really enjoyed the scenery and nude paintings. They had some really awesome 'candid' paintings showing people in their daily life. It took us a few hours to go through the exhibit. When we were done, we went through the gift shop. I bought some cards that had snarky remarks about some paintings. My favorite one was of Adam, Eve and God. Below it said "For Adam the choice was easy; he blamed Eve." Jamie and I milled around the other exhibits then left. We headed to the Pike Place Market and went to this really quaint, hidden restaurant called the Pink Door.

We sat out on the deck. I couldn't believe how crowded it was! Our waiter had an awesome mustache. It was three or so inches long and parted three ways on each side. They menu had a lot of different options. I started off with a cocktail called the Obama-rama. It was a really nice drink with vodka, grape juice and a splash of something really sweet. I ordered Risotto for dinner. It had a delicious taste to it too.

I haven't had too many opportunities to hang out in Seattle as of late. I think I'll make a point to make it there once and a while.

Republican Baptist Convention and the Death Coaster

I went to the Get Motivated Business Seminar. I brought Brian with me. I expected it might be a bit biased. I was really excited to see Colin Powell, Terry Bradshaw and a few other big names there. I wasn't disappointed by my expectation that there'd be a lot of religious/political overtone. I didn't think a call to follow Jesus belonged at a Business Seminar... but at least I didn't spend my money on a ticket. I thought the financial advise was useful at least.

Most of my coworkers cut out around 4, so Brian and I left a little afterwards. We parked a bit past the EMP and had to go by the Fun Forest... It was raining and there was a bit of a thunder/lighting storm going on... but I wanted to ride the roller coaster. Brian was hesitant, but I had to ride. So, he agreed. We looked like we had gone swimming in our clothes.

I felt really energized after that day. Brian and I went on to have a really good evening together that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I can't say I felt pumped because of the Republican Baptist Convention, or my ride on the Death Coaster. I think it was the shared experience and overall happy feel of the day.

Few Moments to Breathe

I had today off and I have tomorrow off too. It's so nice to get a few days away from work. I've been so overwhelmed and emotional lately and I've needed a short hiatus from work. Brian and I have had a decent weekend together. We had a rocky week and it was really nice to get some time and words behind us. I'm spending my days off with him and I couldn't ask for more.

I think I'll try and take some time off work more often now. I think I need just a few moments to myself time to time.

Stolen from Jeri

1) Your name?
Rose
noun. Rose is a word used to describe a very independent, beautiful, loving, caring, classy, sophisticated, mature, honest, and loyal girl. She is ambitious, determined in life, and is goal orientated.

A flower that comes in a lot more colors than just yellow or red. They also come in pink, violet, black, white, cream, maroon, orange, red shades, and multicolors, which are usually a mix of white and some other color. They also have miniature roses, which come in the same colors, only they are about a quarter of the size of actual roses. Some roses grow on bushes, some grow on vines. Others grow on 4-foot tall trees. There are single bloom roses, which have less petals than the more widely known double-bloom roses. Roses are often given to people you care about.

2) Your age?:
22

1) A .22 caliber handgun
2) Any rim that measures 22 inches in size
3) Slang term used for women to let you know they are prostitutes.

1) Don't tote no 22's
2) Magnum cost me 22, sat it on them 22's
3) Lil mama super thick, she say she 22


3) One of your friends?
Briana

girl with the body of a stripper who doesn't like that everyone else is taller than her.

guy: "Woah stripper pants, you should try to gain some height."

girl: "Yeah whatever tall person. Hope you fall and die."

guy: "Damn, she's such a briana."

4) What should you be doing?
dishes

Used as an adjective, "dishes" primarily means to be "done". This is derived from a scene in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead in which one character is sitting on top of the house shooting plates and other glassware which he notes by saying "The dishes are done!" So using this scene as a foundation we can formulate a proof that states that dishes can be done and people can be done(drunk, tired, full, etc.) Therefore by the transitive property...people can be dishes.

To note that one's self is drunk, tired, full, or just plain done: "I am dishes."

5) Favorite Food?
nachos

slang word for pot coined by a group of high school kids from northern VA (which spread quickly as far north as Boston, as far south as Savannah) both in honor of their favorite food and as another name for their favorite recreational drug. This name has been tested and proven for safe use in public.

In history class and across the room, "Hey man, those nachos we had this weekend were fantastic."
"Yeah I know what you mean, I stuffed myself with nachos all weekend."

6) Hometown?
Bremerton-

A lame city located on the Kitsap Peninsula in Washington State. Known for: high crime rate, hookers, meth, navy sailors, and the ever frightening bremelo. Should you find yourself in bremerton you have taken a dangerous wrong turn.

Typical day of life in bremerton,

Cody - "Let's go to Wallmart".

Leroy - "We did that yesterday and it was lame".

Cody - "Yeah, well lets go find us some bremelos"

7) Middle name?
Tyler:

	Originating from the movie "Fight Club", Tyler is used to describe one who is extremely sexy and bad ass. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god, look at him he's such a TYLER.

8) Last person you talked to on the phone?
Corey-

Slang Cockney word for penis

He's got one hell'uva corey

9)favorite color..
red-

1) a communist
2) CCC tablet (Coricidin, OTC anti-tussive medicine)

1) "You reds!"
2) "He passed out on 48 reds (!)"

10)favorite hobby?
reading-rich white town in mass dominated by:
-soccer mom's stopping in the middle of traffic to give you information about your own family
-cops who have nothing better to do than find the best places to hide with their radar guns
-the boy's hockey team and football team
-teenagers who buy shitty overpriced pot using their parents money
-golden retrievers

11)hair color?
black-

	1.Darkness, a dark colour, the colour of this text is black. 2.A race - The black race can range from African american to polynesian. 1. I own a black car. 2. A black person stole my car.

12)What kind of car do you drive?

Hyundai

A top selling car manufacturer. Becoming very large now. The genesis will be their most expensive car, released summer of '08, costing 40 grand for the top model.

Wow, look at that car! It's nice and fast!.. it's a Hyundai?!?! Holy shit I might have to get one!

13)how old will you be next year?
23

The greatest number of all time. Reasons why: It is... 1. a prime number, as are 2 and 3. 2. Michael Jordan's number. 3. the NBA record for most consecutive points scored by a single player in a game, done by none other than Michael Jordan. 4. the number of chromosomes in a human sperm or egg. 5. the angle between the earth's magnetic and rotational axis. 6. the Tropic of Cancer at 23 degrees N Latitude. 7. the Tropic of Capricorn at 23 degrees S Latitude. 8. a .com and the page is very cryptic. 9. the most quoted Psalm in the bible ("The Lord is my shepherd..." 10. the number of people executed in "A Tale of Two Cities" 11. the smallest number of people for which there is at least a 50% chance that two will share the same birthday. 12. the standard TCP/IP port for Telnet. 13. one of the "Lost" numbers on the television show....also the sum of two of the other numbers (8 & 15)and the solution to 42-15-4=23, all of which are also Lost numbers. 14. the number of times Caesar was stabbed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. 15. has been prominently featured in the following: Serendipity, Futurama, Star Wars A New Hope, Monty Python The Life of Brian, Seinfeld, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix Reloaded, and Die Hard III among MANY MANY other movies. 16. the number of flavors Dr. Pepper claims to be a blend of. 17. the number of distinct orientations of Tetris pieces. 18. the sum of U2, the greatest band ever. U is the 21st letter of the alphabet. 19. the number of letters in the latin alphabet. 20. the number of the Illuminati. 21. the letter W in the english alphabet, a letter with 2 points down and 3 points up. 22. the smallest number of integer sided boxes that tile a box such that no two boxes share a common length. 23. the only US president to serve between nonconsecutive terms of another president (23rd president Benjamin Harrison serving between Grover Cleveland's terms).

14) Your last name?
becerra
isn't defined yet

The Devil Lurks Behind the Cross

Nothing new to report, but I felt like blogging.

I had a great 4th of July. I went to my Uncle's lake house. I brought Brian along. We had a really good time. We went swimming for a little bit and rode on a steam boat. I got a game called Smart Ass (I was told it's a fitting title for me, lol). We left a bit late and had to go all the way back because I forgot my purse. Oh well.

We also went to a Mariners game. That was a lot of fun for me. Our seats were cheap-o's, but they had a really good view. Brian learned how to keep score. I use to do that so it was fun to see what he was doing.

Sunday was a lazy day but I really enjoyed it. Our weekend finished with an impromptu bed-time photo shoot. I really like the pictures. I put one up here although it's rather intimate. I'm sure Brian will object to it being here... But, I like it and it makes me happy.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and going to a party with some of Brian's friends.

Other than that, life is going along quite nicely.

Hasta Luego Amigos

Holy shit, Holy shit a swordfish almost went through my head.

So, I got a temporary promotion at work. It'll start in a few weeks. I'm going to fill in as a Business Analyst for sometime. They're hiring a temp to do my job... It'll be quite the learning experience as it's a totally new job. I'll have a new set of responsibilities. I also got a Star Award at work... it's something they do when they feel someone's done an excellent job. The new supervisor nominated me for it because of the manual and training I did.

In other news... I went to see Get Smart. It was the hardest I've laughed in a while. Brian and I were cracking up during the movie and after we left the theater. Hmm... there's other news... oh yeah, Brian listens to Spice Girls and Fergie. (Although he generally has good music taste). I'm looking forward to the 4th of July and an extra long weekend!!

I think that's about it... I'll keep ya'lls posted with my temp assignment.

Another weekend

I can't really say that the weekend has been eventful. I went to the drive-in on Friday. That was a bit of fun. I really enjoyed the Kung Fu Panda movie, but I fell asleep during Iron Man. I looked interesting, but I was too tired.

Yesterday, Brian and I hung around the house. We roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. I managed to get covered in soot.

Today we're going to a park a ways from here and picking up some pizza on the way. I'm quite excited. I think we'll take the camera and snap a photo or two.

If only it were real...

So, that's not the real Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince trailer, but it's an extremely well done fan made trailer. I can't wait for it to come out!!!

Mini-Vaca Better Late than Never

I know it's a week later, but here's my reportaje on my mini-vacation with Brian.

We went to Port Townsend on Sunday last week. We stopped in Bremerton first and visited Bev and Randy then my dad and Gwen. It was definitely a nice visit and I enjoyed seeing everyone.

Brian and I got to Port Townsend around 3 p.m. I forgot what the name of the hotel was so I had to use the email function on my phone. Once we figured out where we were headed, we parked and walked about down-town Port Townsend for a bit. The shops had a lot of neat stuff in them. I liked the book store. I bought some cute prints at an antique store there. I contemplated this red table, but they were closed when we headed back that way and weren't open in the morning when we left.

The hotel we stayed at was called the Belmont.We checked into our room and spent a little *private* time in there. Our room had a huge bathroom, an old wardrobe, bay Windows and a neat brick wall. I liked that our window overlooked the street below us.

We dined at the restaurant under our hotel. The restaurant was nice too. We decided to split an entree and get an appetizer. We got Seafood Linguine. We watched the other people and had a laugh while we made up information about the other diners.

After dinner, we headed to Fort Worden. I was excited for Brian to see the bunkers there. I've been there quite a few times and feel quite familiar with the area. Brian hadn't been in bunkers before and was all excited about the history. It turns out we missed a lot of the bunkers there... but we did see a beautiful sunset together.

We slept well in our hotel. I felt like an old couple. Brian was reading the newspaper and I was cuddled up next to him reading a book. Brian was interested in this couple that made a homestead.

The next morning we packed up and went to Fort Flagler. It was freezing cold! We decided to cook up some hotdogs in a firepit. I was so bummed out that I didn't have marshmallows to roast. Then Brian was a sweetheart and bought me some at the store there. *le sigh* After we ate and packed a snack, we set out on a hike that was supposed to pass by a few bunkers. Well, we went on the beach and not the trail, lol. We didn't see one bunker! We tried what we thought was the trail back, but it wasn't the trail. So, we walked back on the beach. It was a nice three mile hike. Brian and I took some cool pictures. I'll share them as soon as he takes them to get developed.

When we got back to the car, we were exhausted! We headed home after that.

I have to say that it was one of the nicest short trips I've had in quite a while. I think we'll go back to Fort Worden and Fort Flagler to see the bunkers we missed. I'm glad we have the time to take these little romantic vacations together.

Bali Flower Bra

So, I'm working and watching TV... which involves not really paying too much attention too TV. However, one commercial caught my eye. It's a commercial for a Bali bra that has petals to cover one's nipples. Their tag was "So you look flawless" ...since when are nipples flaws? I mean, they're natural and seeing them isn't like flashing the vag. Gah, it's really quite despicable how ads make women feel they must cover up and conceal natural and normal parts of the human body.

Downward Spiral

Pre Bush and A bit Ago

I think the numbers are outnumbered, but that speaks to how far we've come.

Special Comments

Special Comments by Keith Olbermann


I'm sure people have watched this. I've been hearing about it on the radio today... This is seriously one of the most powerfully moving reputes I have heard in living memory.

Thoughts?

How can I see the future if it didn't already exist?

The X-Files Movie


The Truth is Out there.


And I got all sexual watching that.

Mother

I do miss my mom every day. It's hard to escape sometimes. I miss her more sometimes than others... but I never seem to miss her on Mother's day. The first one happened a few weeks after she died, so my missing was mostly the grief and pain of the recent loss. The past two Mother's Days since she's been dead have passed with little emotional upheaval. It's not that I don't miss her or think about her, but rather that I don't have a high associative emotion with her and Mother's Day.

I miss her though. I can feel it especially when I'm going through a "need my mom" moments. Some of those moments in the past few years have been:

• Falling out of love.
• Graduating from WWU.
• Finding a post-graduation job.
• Moving to Bremerton.
• Debating the child issue.
• Deciding to end things
• Getting mad at work.
• Doing well at work.
• Feeling lost and confused.
• Breaking up.
• Falling in love.
• DATING.
• Moving to a new place.
• Dealing with Dad.
• Fighting with the Sibs.
• Going through a creative streak.
• Debating whether I'm in love.
• Deciding to have kids.
• Finding ways to tease my sister.
• Meeting new guys.
• Diving into the Corporate world.
• Getting a promotion.
• Moving to Auburn.
• Getting Divorced.
• Saying goodbye to a chapter in my life.
• Self Doubt.
• Feeling lost.
• Gaining self-confidence.
• Evaluating ze men in my life.
• Shopping.
• Finding someone I want to be with.
• Loosing Faith.
• Bettering myself.
• Writing.
• Seeking out life.
• Adventure.
• Going to the beach.
• Finding someone that loves Elvis.
• Mastering Raspberry Pie.
• Regaining some faith.
• Being balanced.
• Info from the Vag-file
• Cleaning up.
• Decorating.
• Driving Stick Shift.
• Going home...

Those aren't in any particular order... but it definitely makes me pause and think of all she's missed... or that I've missed her. It also makes me think of all the future items and events that I won't have her for. I always imagined her being there when I had kids, walking me through it, comforting me. I wanted her there so desperately when I got divorced and when I started dating. I needed her justification and guidance. I know I'll get remarried sooner or later... I wanted her to help me decide.

*sigh*

Ze Freezer is full...

I went shopping again today. I bought a lot of food. Eventually, I'll have to cook it all. I usually only cook when Brian is around. All the more reason to invite him over...

I think I'm just excited to have the money to buy more food that what's immediately needed. I haven't had room/money for extra food since I moved out from my Dad's. When I went to UNM, I ate at the dining hall. When Matt and I lived in Bellingham, we went through food as fast as we bought it, so there wasn't a lot of "stocking up." Then when I split up with him, I couldn't afford more than I was eating and there was the added restriction of not having room for excess food. I now have a freezer-full of food. I don't know why it's exciting... maybe because it feels very "adult" to have that, lol.

Let's see... in other news, it's been almost a month since I've bitten my nails. They're getting to reach my fingertips. They're long enough to tap against surfaces and even scratch myself on accident, lol.

Brian and I went to another park and took some more pictures. I was feeling rather frisky and, well, you can see a bit of my cleavage in a few pictures. I really like some of the pictures I took of Brian.

Work is going really well. I'm busy almost every day. Sometimes it's a bummer. I can't do some of the things I'd do in my spare time. I use to email Brian a lot and that kept my happily occupied. Now when I get a chance to drop him a line, I'm short on time and often say things rather abruptly. :/ I have a blackberry for work now. It's a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I can keep in touch from anywhere... on the other, I can keep in touch from anywhere.

Moving to the world of politics... I hope they wrap up the primary really soon. I hope that Obama gets it. I'd rather have either of them than a Republican, but Obama commands more respect.

Also, I'm re-reading LotR.

Yes! I'd like a mini-series.

They're cutting out some of my favorite characters from HP and the Half Blood Prince. I can understand the cuts... but they're taking out my favorite pairing. I definitely compare Tonks/Lupin to my love life. I'm sad to see that they won't be in the movies as they are in the books.

I really shouldn't shop alone...

Or whilst hungry. I bought a shit-ton of food today at WinCo. I bought food I'll eat and that I like, but I bought a whole lot more than I needed. Oh well, a little freezer stocking isn't bad... is it?

Life is pretty good for me this week. Work was a bit hectic yesterday, but it was extremely laid back today. I just had to coordinate some lunch deliveries to a few different offices. I'm considering trading in my car. I've been beating the heck out of it lately. I'm ready for nice weather too.

I think I'm going to the Seattle Art Museum this weekend. They have a Roman exhibit that I want to see.

I've been reading my Myer-Briggs personality type again. It was especially interesting after taking a Communication Style workshop at work. I like doing introspective thought and reflection. I must say, it's interesting to read those things and see how accurate they can be.

Things to Do

Brian and I have quite a lot we want to do this sunny season.

• Go to the Seattle Art Museum
• Go Camping at the Beach and in a woodsy area
• Go to Fort Warden
• Shop at the Pike's Place Market
• See a movie at the Drive-in theatre near my house
• Visit NW Trek
• Go swimming
• Have a water balloon fight (ok, I made that one up)
• Have a BBQ
• Go fishing
• Stay at Lake Tapps
• Take lots of photos
• Shop at some cool antique stores

I think there's more on the list, but it makes me excited for the sunny weather.

After Five Trips to Walgreens...

Brian and I went to the park on a whim yesterday. We took my Canon Rebel EOS 2000. Brian was quite intrigued with it when he unpacked it. I begged my dad for it a few years ago. I haven't taken it out as much as I could have in the past few years. It's not very practical for someone who's not very careful.

So, I got the idea to go to a park as it was trying to be sunny out and Brian wanted to play with the camera. We popped into Walgreens to pick up some film. The park wasn't too crowded, so we were able to tramp around pretty much unhindered. We were taking artsy shots and making the other pose for the camera. We both got some really good shots. I uploaded them all to Myspace.

It's really cool to be with someone who enjoys kicking back and doing something totally random like that. We didn't have an agenda, we were just doing what seemed fun. I even got a bit risky and took my shirt and bra off for a few pictures. I had my coat on, but it was unbuttoned... I think Brian enjoyed taking those pictures.

I think it was a wonderful end to another great weekend with my beau. I can't wait till we go out with the camera again!

Take Another Little Piece of my Heart

Today has been shite. I can't say pure shite, but generally shite. Work was passable; although I did get a bit of grumbling about the timecards. My ray of sunshine was meeting up with Brian after work. I was going to cook dinner and we were going to hang out. I needed to get some of my shit unpacked so my dad would have less to criticize tomorrow. I was excited to get home and spend the evening just being happy with my mind off things... off work.

I guess I should just learn not to get excited and get my hopes up. Brian had to cancel; he had to finish a homework assignment. His mom ended up inviting me to dinner and I sat in his room while he did his homework, but I can't help but feel hurt. I think it starts with the lack of forewarning about the cancellation. It's not as if I'm unreachable at work. I always expect that someone let's me know when plans change or are just canceled. So, not hearing anything till after I got off work was a bit of a slap in the face. I was mentally prepared to do one thing and was really looking forward to it. It takes a lot for me to get excited about something, and when that something doesn't happen, I tend to take it hard. So, I guess it's my fault for getting so... enamored with the idea of being with Brian for the night.

The second part of my disappointment is tied into my analytical side. I couldn't help but wonder where the hours of the day went that caused him to be so far behind that he had to cancel for tonight. I know it's not fair of me to want to break down his day and point out where he could have been doing homework and not goofing off. I guess I don't know he was goofing off, but he didn't give an explanation (i.e. errands, some sort of crisis, whatever). So, for me, whatever Brian was doing today must have been more important than spending the evening with me, because if spending this evening with me were important, he would have gotten his stuff done before messing around. Again, I realize this isn't fair, it's just how I feel. I keep telling myself to not think that, but that's like making water less wet.

Today's save goes to Judy, Brian's mom. She invited me to go out to dinner at this really nice Chinese Buffet place in Bonney Lake. When we got back to their place, I hung out with Brian as he worked on his presentation. I was enjoying myself until I realized it was late and I didn't do anything I needed to do tonight. I had planned on unpacking my place a little more. I started to feel hurt all over again. Part of me was just upset that my place wouldn't be as I wanted it to be when my dad got there, part of it was "opening the wound" of having my night canceled last minute. I talked to Brian about it. I decided it was only fair. I feel a lot better about things after we talked. He admitted that he was a bit insensitive about the plans thing. I'm a bit apprehensive about that being a pattern in our relationship. I don't like thoughtlessness... it hurts quite a bit. I do feel a bit better about that whole ordeal now.

I'm just freaked out about my dad being here. I have so much fucking stuff to do. My dad's going to say something about my place not being very well put together. His wife will be judgmental and I'm not really looking forward to it. I was a bit apprehensive about them coming before... now I'm even more on edge about it. I want to see my dad and have him look at my place, but I don't want to hear his words about it not being done yet.

I'm too emotionally worn out to really do anything productive at the moment.

Learn to Drive!

So, I can't remember where it is I left off in the story of my life...

I got the job I interviewed for. They called me the same night I went in. I'm now an Administrative Specialist. I moved from the slum I lived at and moved into a nice apartment complex. It took an act of God (or some friends and my amazing boyfriend) to get me moved.

Work has been pretty good. Rather hectic though. They keep me busy and are always giving me more to do. There's been some friction at work as a result of my promotion. I now have a lot more authority and responsibility. My former peers treat me a bit icily now... Some of them haven't changed with me. Others have put up an Iron Curtain though. I wish I could say I don't care, but I do. I want them to like me :(.

I do really love my job though. I get to do a variety of projects and have a varied day. My opinion is valued and people are interested in what I have to say. I'm learning a lot and stretching out my skills. I have a lot of freedom too. I can work out of any office with enough notice.

My divorce was finalized. I was a little sad about it being over, but that passed after about two hours. It was just another thing to check off my To Do list.

I'm still really happy with "mah man." He and I spend at least a few nights a week together. It's nice to be wanted ^_^.

I went to California to see my sister. We went to Disneyland and the beach. I bought a new bathingsuit. First one in nearly 10 years. I got a nice tan too.

I think the only real negative in my life is traffic. I've learned the "back roads" to get to work. It's nice to not have to sit in traffic as much as if I were to take the highway. Today a person pissed me off though. I try not to care if people cut me off or speed around me. It's not a big deal. But today, this stupid driver blocked a lane of traffic because she didn't get into the turn lane she needed to get in. Imagine three lanes going in one direction. Two of them are left hand turn lanes, the last a thru lane. Then put a diagonal across the ONE thru lane. The two turn lanes were backed up, but the thru lane was clear... except for the mini-van. If it were just traffic, I don't think I would have cared. But I could have wizzed by...

Anyways, I need to get some boxes unpack...

Entrevista!

I was called and asked to schedule an interview for the Administrative Specialist job today!! I was the first one they called. I'll be interviewing with my immediate supervisor, and I think two others from my department. This wasn't my first choice for a job to move to, but it was my second. If I get it, I'll get a substantial pay raise and I'll be with the same group of people (more or less). I'm so excited!! My interview is March 3rd. It's so long to wait! I'll have time to put together a portfolio of my work and whatnot.

Arguing for Dummies

Most people know how to really hurt the ones they're close to. Generally, people will steer clear of using their most hurtful tools in the arsenal of arguing unless the situation is dire. My ex and I had loads of insults and bashes that were never used because they would cross a line. I never ridiculed him for being less intelligent or not the most socially gifted person. He never called me fat (at least not out right) nor did he pick at my most tender wounds. We had an unspoken rule about resorting to that level of hurt.

Apparently, not everyone has taken the "Arguing for Dummies" class they teach in "Relationships for I-dots." What am I on about? I learned tonight that my younger brother's step mom has a habit of telling him "Your Mom would agree with me" when they're arguing about stuff. From the sound of things, she's right. Our mom might have agreed with her on some of their arguments. But, that's not the point. The point is you don't use someone's dead mother as a tool in an argument. Especially not in a frivolous, weekly, teenage squabble. I almost don't have the words to describe how inhumane that is to say to a teenage boy. I can't imagine the emotional abuse that's going on in that household.

I guess I shouldn't think that everyone conducts themselves at a base level of decency... It's just that there are lines people shouldn't cross. Going over that line in such a careless manner is cruel and abusive on so many levels. I feel I should intervene.

In Other News...

I can officially say that I hope to never get a divorce again. The whole process is convoluted. It doesn't help that I'm horrible at just reading directions and getting how to do something. I need to be shown, at least a few times… and in legal proceedings you don't really get that option. I've been muddling my way through tediously long 'how-to' documents all morning and I'm starting to get the idea… I have about a month to get all the final paper work in order. I'm just hella frustrated. I'm sort of pissed that I have to do this alone. I know the whole thing was my idea, but it fits the pattern for Matt and me trying to do something. He just kind of floats along and I'm left to worry about all of the details and actually getting stuff put together. Sure, he's upset and sad we're getting divorced, but he hasn't had to go to court, figure out the procedures or the paperwork. He hasn't been stressed out trying to do this right. I haven't asked him to look into that mainly because I didn't think he could handle it. I just want this to be finished up with. I hate feeling so ignorant when I'm trying to get something done. The people at the court house are often short with me on the phone and aren't extremely helpful when it comes to asking procedural questions. I just feel so over-burdened it's starting to wear me down.

I'm really grateful that I have people to lean on and everything. My friends and family have given support where they can and Brian has been an awesome cheerleader the past few weeks. Even with all of the people saying they're here for me, I feel totally alone in this endeavor. It might be part guilt at not being able to make a marriage work. It might the part of me that misses having someone with me all the time, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up with. It's kind of funny that I miss that. Matt and I rarely went to bed at the same time, much less in one another's arms. I was usually up at different times than him. I rarely sought out time with Matt unless it was in short spurts. I keep thinking that I'm missing a constant companion, but I never really had one. He and I were usually too pissy with one another to hang out for too long. It's kind of weird to miss something that was absent for most of a marriage.

I'm feeling a bit stressed out at work too. I think it's because I have my mind set on moving to a better job. I've put in for a few of them, two of which I really want. I've more or less written off the Training job… it hasn't been filled, but they haven't gotten back to me either. There's an Administrative Specialist job in my department that I put in for. The hiring manager is the manager that my supervisor reports to and my supervisor is looking through the resumes with another supervisor. He knows that I've put in my application for the job and he's all for giving me a chance to advance. I hope I get to interview for it. My supervisor said that they're a bit behind in looking for those things… he hinted that they might steal me away up there. I'm hesitantly optimistic. I'd still really like to hear something about either job.

In other news… I went to Manchester Park with Brian this weekend. I had a super good time. We wandered around, saw the old buildings. Brian really liked them. I'll have to take him to Fort Warden and show him what real bunkers look like. We also saw some sea lions. They were a ways away so we tried to hike to them. Unfortunately we were impeded by a barbed-wire fence. It was a lot of fun to hike around. It's really nice to have someone to go out and do these type of things with. We both like random outings and are inquisitive enough to just have fun and not worry about keeping a set schedule or how long we're out messing around. Next time we go out, we'll have to bring a camera and have neat pictures to show everyone.

That's all I feel like writing for now. For more information, please contact my public relations secretary.

Really Quite Spectacular

I spent Saturday and Sunday with Brian (the previously mentioned boyfriend). It was quite wonderful. He came over on Saturday (mid-afternoon) and was here until late on Sunday night. We hung out together (obviously), watched movies, had some good food (that I cooked), ended up going to a park I like (and he liked it too) and had a blast. Brian liked the food I made him (which is a plus as I feel a bit self conscious about my cooking). He cuddled with me while we were watching movies. He and I were able to joke around and talk about a lot of stuff. We had an especially good time at Manchester State Park. I highly recommend it to anyone that likes parks/bunkers/neat trails. Neither of us are in the best of shape, but it was nice to tramp around and see the beautiful scenery. We saw Sea Lions. It was kind of funny. We both wanted a better view and ended up hiking quite a bit further than we otherwise would have just to get a better view of them. I liked learning new tidbits of information about Brian. He's a music snob, which I tease him about as he likes Weird Al. He's really into history and historical places. He was very excited by the old bunkers at Manchester. We made plans to go to Fort Warden sometime in the next few months. If he liked the buildings we saw on Sunday, he'll die for the ones up at Fort Warden. I was bummed out when he had to go home. I could see myself happy being around him all the time.

In other news... I'm impatiently awaiting word from some jobs I applied for at PSE. I heard this week that my position will get a pay raise so it will be about the same as the other job I think I'll get... but I like the sound of the increased responsibility, the day to day change, being around other people. I'd also move closer to Brian if I get a job in Bellevue. I've been looking at jobs over there since before I was going out with him... so being close to him is a fringe benefit, not the sole purpose of looking. I've decided that I want a leadership type position and I want to earn my way there. That seems to be out of the question at the office I work in now... so I'll be glad to move near where those jobs are.

I'm also planning a trip to California to see my sister. I haven't been out to California in almost two years. I-dot and I went there to see his family in July 2006. I told him I was headed out there... I'm not sure why. I don't want to see him, not really. Part of me wants to, I don't know, feel some sort of closure. I'm afraid that seeing him will make me feel somewhat horrible and probably do the same to him. I don't want to be with him and I don't want to rekindle our relationship, but *sigh* there's part of me that actually misses him. I know! It's stupid! I have this wonderful guy who I adore and adores me. I am completely content and glad that I chose to break up with him. I can't explain it other than, well, I spent three years with him. I know its' not a very long time, and in 10 or so years that'll seem like a mere summer fling... but he was with me for a lot of my change and growth as a person. Gah. I don't need him though. He makes me feel horrible for being happy.


It's probably best if I just focus on my career growth and my relationship with Brian. I'm excited to see where it goes. I have a feeling that we'll be able to take it far. I think that our only real hindrance is money. Neither of us have enough to do what we'd like to do. I have a feeling that we'll work around that particular road block. If we lived closer together we wouldn't spend as much on gas. Not to mention I'd have a better paying job. I'm really hoping he lands a good part time job he can do while going to school.

*sigh* I'm falling for him and it's really quite spectacular and yet terrifying.

Excess of Mental Masturbation

I do worry that I think too much. I talked to my significant other about the whole emotional openness he has. Then I realized that it doesn't really matter if he tells women he's with that he sees a future with him. I don't need that to be unique to our relationship. Making it work is the element I would like to see as being unique in our relational histories. There's so much about him that I find completely wonderful that him being (what I would call) slightly careless with his emotions in the past isn't really an issue. He doesn't have to be as guarded as I am. It's probably healthier for him to be open with people. I actually admire that he's able to put him self out on the chopping block in such an honest and vulnerable way. I don't like to make myself vulnerable and avoid doing so at all costs.

Anyways, I think I've reached a comfortable spot in terms of that issue. I'll probably revisit it at some point in the future.

I tend to do that a lot. I'll obsess over an idea or issue and reach some sort of calm about it. Then I kick up dust in a few days/weeks/months/years and rehash the issue. I can't seem to leave things alone. I mean, if it were a pile of dirty laundry, it'd stay around for eons. I do it about everything. My mind just doesn't like to be idle. Drives me nuts sometimes. I work the best and am the sharpest at work when I'm overloaded. I work well under the gun and think well under pressure. When that intensity isn't created through my environment, I create it! Gah, I wish I could put my brain on pause once and a while...

Wow, it's been a while.

Well, anyone (which seems to be no one) that read this back in May might have gathered that the whole marital thing wasn't going in a positive direction. I'm almost divorced now (it'll be final in March). I graduated from school (that was quite exciting). I'm still working at the same job and I'm quite happy with my life as a whole. I can't really say that getting a divorce has upset my life terribly. I had to move into a smaller/cheaper/seedier place and I'm a bit poorer. I had to explain to the world (most of which was unaware of any marital problems) what exactly went wrong in my relationship. That was a bit uncomfortable as most of my friend base is rather religious. I feel bad for my ex. He was very much in love with me (and it seems he still is). It's not my responsibility to make sure he's ok and whatnot, but I wish he and were on the same page... that might be stretch considering that he and I were rarely on the same page when we were married.

I started dating almost right after my ex left. Well, I started relations with other people. I dated one guy for a few months, but I broke up with him after I realized that I liked him more than he wanted... He wasn't looking for anything serious. I hadn't been either when I started seeing him. I don't think he'll be one to settle into a relationship for a few years. Hence the break up. It's kind of cool though, he and I still talk and text. I think he'll keep being a friend at least. I've had quite a few 'friends with benefits' along the way. Well, ok, one night stands or serial one night stands. I can't say I'm terribly proud of it. But I'm a believer in safe sex and think that two people that have a need for sex should be able to fulfill that without any sort of emotional connection.

The whole promiscuity thing has spurred a new line of thought... I think some people are emotionally promiscuous. They fall hard and fall often... That seems like such a dangerous proposition to me. I mean, you can have sex with someone, walk away and not have any lasting repercussions. The idea of falling for several people a year (and doing so intensely) startles me. I'm always so scared of being hurt that I prefer to shield my emotions with relationships that have a physical base that are easy enough to end if things don't pan out.

That brings me to the guy I'm seeing now. My relationship with him has been different than any other relationship I've had in my post-marital bliss. He and I hit it off really well, he gives me butterflies in my stomach when he says sweet things... but we haven't jumped into a physical relationship. We've kissed and done some high school-esque fooling around, but not much else. But I feel like I'm falling for him and that's terrifying. What's even more terrifying is seeing (mainly from stalking him on myspace) that the emotions he's been projecting on me aren't quite unique. I didn't go out and look for exes of his on there, but I noticed some of his pictures had comments that were relationy looking. So I looked at the profiles of these people and at their comments and saw some relationy looking comments there too. A lot of them using similar verbiage and sentiment used for comments I was left by him. It makes me wonder if he's that emotionally forward with everyone... maybe his feelings for me aren't as unique as I thought they were. I have to admit, hearing sweet and endearing things from him are part of what's caused me to like him so much and knowing that he's said close to the same things to quite a few other people makes me a bit uneasy.

I'm not sure if it's unease due to the commonplaceness of the words (similar to people that murder words by using them too often and in too many contexts). It could just be that I'm re-examining my feelings. I think there's more there than "oh he says such nice things about me." He's also super sweet, hilarious, quite smart, good looking, a hoot to hang out with, etc. But my feelings for him were brought along by those sweet nothings he's said to me. I need to just ask him about it, which I'll probably do tonight. I hate to bastardize my feelings for him (or his for me), but I think this will eat at me until I figure it out.

If he does feel *that way* about all the girls he's seen in the past few years... I don't think that'll change how I feel about him. It might just shift my perspective a bit.